that break

Funny thing happen, its like a reminder that i couldn't die just yet, as write my blog earlier, my mother cat, Chloe began meowing to call her little once but I notice some scratches and she kept looking at me and meowing towards my cabinet. I listen again , and i found out that my other kitten is missing . I cant see her beside the cabinet or in the cabinet but i know theres a little space beside the cabinet so i took all my clothes out of the cabinet and the big heavy box above it cause i cant move it if those things are still in there.

My point is , its like a constant reminder in me that, i still have my little ones , my kitten and cats that needs me. They are my reason to continue living.

Why not my mom?sibling? relative? friends? or boyfriend? because they disappoint me in some way. And they can live without me and they will forget me in no time. They don't really appreciate my existence unlike my cats, they do appreciate that i live cause whenever or whatever the reason is, i just know that if they want to tell me something somehow i understand. i dont know why , but i just did

to my father and his family

Do you know how it feel pag ikaw na 17 year old malalaman mo lahat? Yung tipong biglang ibinagsak sayo ni reality lahat?

As i grow up, buong akala ko andon ka, kasi nandon ka nung may isip ako e. But my memories remember, you werent there.

Alam mo ba kung san nagsimula ung lowest part ng buhay ko? Yun ung point na nastroke ka, you left me with all the responsibility i shouldn't have. You let me deal with all the stuff i shouldn't have. You let me deal what should i do? Anong dapat kong sabihin sa kapatid ko? pano ko sasabihin sa mama ko? paano ako? 

wala kong maisip, di ko alam. Dumating ang mga taong di ko nakakasalamuha , they are so called my relatives, kilala ko sila , kilala lang. They don't know me that well, they made me decide on various things. They put pressure on my shoulders. They pin me down on my lowest point.

I didn't want you to die that moment but later on i wish you did. Call me walang utang na loob , walang awa, walang kwentang anak but he ruin my life.

Due to his stroke, di ako makapasok ng iskwela ng maayos, nagugulat nalang ako kasi may naniningil kasi may utang siya. Di ko masabi sa mama ko, dahil baka high bloodin siya don at lalo syang magagalit. I loved my papa back then bakit ko sya ipapahamak diba? So little by little i pay back those debt on my own.

Kahit na magalit sakin ung mama ko, kapatid ko, kung ano mang isipin nila i dont care. Then things became worst, your family, ung mga relative ko, they meddle with my personal life.

Hinusgahan na nila ko dahil sa pag transfer ko ng school , nag transfer ako para sayo hindi dahil sa bobo ko. Dahil ginusto mo na mag stay ka samin kahit mahirapan kaming magkapatid.

They always boast ung pag mamahal mo samin nong bata palang kami but fuck?! ano ang pagmamahal don?! nasan ang pagmamahal don?! ang mahal mo lang ay ang buhay na meron ka , un ung ayaw mong mawala! muntik mo na kong pinatay! anong akala mo iyo?! di ko na aalala? ung sa itak?! naalala ko yon! dahil damn! thats the reason i have this post traumatic syndrome! thats why that happen to me!


you ruin us, you ruin me by returning to our side. By brainwashing my brother , by telling your folk that you are a good father ! you werent! babaero ka! tamad! sugal ang alam! wala kang pinapahalagahan kundi sarili mo! wala kang maaalala dahil sa sakit mo ngayon!? kung gusto mong gumaling you should be cured by now! ngayon sasabihin nila may depression ka?! kaya ka ganyan?! fvck!

i have a depression! i have a post traumatic syndrome! everytime i want to die! gusto ko laging mamatay! alam mo ba kung ilang beses hiniling na mamatay?! tapos pag namatay ako mat pera ung nanay ko?! na pag namatay ako sana di sya iiyak! ?! alam mo ba yon! sana di kanalang niya nakilala ! sana di kanalang bumalik samin non! at wag ka nang babalik samin!

sabihin niyo na masama akong anak pero ayoko na , ayoko na ng ganito ! lagi nalang akong nahuhusgahan dahil dito

Hospital

I really hate hospital. I hate the smell. I hate that white ceiling those lights. Those nurse , those doctors.

But im thankful to them. But as soon as they saw my medicines in my bag they began to look at me with pity. With disbelief. Doc Lavape said, " nak kailan pa?" i cant help but to stare at him . The nurses just look at us asking " anak mo doc?" they didnt realize what that medicine for, fluoxetine. As soon as people realize what does that medicine do they look at me and ask things

But now, i dont hate everything. This is not permanent I know. Doc. Hernandez just burst in the door and look at me. As soon as they finish giving me the first aid for my dizzy , we went to his office. Asking me what's wrong and i couldnt answer cause my tongue is still numb.

We started our talk therapy. He's still the same. Hindi ko ata sya doctor nagagalit madalas sakin e haha. but still im thankful to this father figure to me. Then he ask me again what's wrong. Then i couldn't answer , i dont have any right answer. I dont want to be a burden anymore.

if i die will this end?no it wont. my mom's gonna cry, my friends going ask themselves why they didn't notice. im so sorry if i didnt tell you. because thats who i was. i've been shut down many times by the people who i love. 

Rain

The rain works its magic.

I don't feel like crying or any... i just want this rain to continue so i had a reason to be under the rain all the time...it soothes the crack that cant be seen by the naked eyes. It soothes my being. I just want to drown by its drops. I just want to shiver by the cold and become numb so i cant feel any. I just want to become numb and just feel the heaviness brought by cold so i could sleep  more. I could sleep easy.  So my eyes could just shut down and i could feel nothing more.

So rain just do your magic on me. 

At some point in your life you just want to end it but you can't

Talk Theraphy

Kanina galing ako sa talk theraphy. Hindi masama na pumunta lalo na kapag nararamdaman ko yon. Funny but my theraphist misses me at tumawa pa sya. If you feel empty and sad most of the time its about time to go there. walang mali don. having a depression doesn't mean weak ka sometimes its just a way to let it of. 

Moving On

And after so long, she finally did it. She finally called it off. She finally ended it. She finally walked away from it. She finally let it go. She finally moved on from it. Because for so long, he made her feel like she was so hard to love, she was so hard to understand, and she was so hard to be with. Even though he was the one who hurt her, he acted like it was always her that was hurting him. Even though he was the one who always made mistakes, he acted like it was always her fault. Even though he was the one who always wanted to argue, he acted like it was always her who's being crazy. It's finally caught up to her. It's finally taken a toll on her. It's finally pushed her far enough. To be honest, she doesn't care enough to try anymore. Quite frankly, she's too tired to make it work anymore. As much as she loved him, she's decided to love herself just a little bit more. If you were to ask her, she's been much happier ever since. She thought she wouldn't be alright without him, and yet she's doing so much better. Yeah, it's gonna take awhile for her to learn how to be herself again. Yeah, it's gonna be hard when she misses him from time to time. But, she knows. She knows that it's time. She knows that it's not worth it. She knows this is something she needs to do, and she's gonna be alright in the end.

Things that i don't even understand

Minsan hindi ko talaga alam kung ano meron. I always cry, cry baby ako madalas, but i only cry when im alone. dahil pakiramdam ko walang ibang makaka intindi sa nararamdaman ko. Thats the thing i've learn. I have to stand for myself. Even if i have to cry for myself. I got weak heart hindi ung tipong may sakit ka sa puso pero ung tipong madaling umiyak sa mga bagay bagay but i rarely cry for some occasion. Even if somebody die? pero kung di siya importante at malapit sakin? i couldnt careless. But when i do have panic attacks the weird thing was I dont have any names to call.
Alam mo ung nasa emergency list ko pag may nangyaring masama? Its none. i dont know why, why bother to call someone to be there for me kung in the first place they werent they first thing right?
I got lots and lots of friends, but only some are real. Some of them really care but i cant find a way for them to know how i really feel. How weak i am. How close i am to end my own life but cant bear to see my mom cry but i guess not but what i really care about is kung paano ung mga pusa ko. How cruel am i right? I really dont understand myself. How cruel i can be? how cold i can be? maybe the coldest and hardest part of me is when i think and decide for something even it breaks my heart i do it. I make it happen.

Ang Hirap mong Mahalin (Hard to Love)

Nakaramdam kanaba ng bakit ganito? Bakit ganoon? Ako ung tipo ng taong laging may nasa isip. Nagtatanong. Kung ano ano ang iniisip. Di kasi mawala sakin yon. For some reason protective ako sa sarili pero ung protection na yon kadalasan di ko gusto kung ano ung nangyayari after. I have felt kung paano mahalin at magmahal pero minsan andon ung pakiramdam na bakit parang may mali? Bakit parang may kulang? Yung tipong kung paano ko sya mahalin bakit di  ganon ung mapakita niya? Bakit di ganon ung maparamdam niya?
Why do i always feel that way? Siguro dahil sa magkakaiba tayo ng uri ng pagmamahal kung paano yun maipapakita. Pero theres always a part of me who always yearn for him to love me like I do to him. Hindi ako materyoso but all i want is his attention , his full attension.
Sanay naman na ko, nasanay naman na ko and thats what i fear most, SANAY na ko, nasasanay ko. And once na sanay na ko, unti unti na kong masasanay na ah okey lang kahit ganito. Masasanay na ko at lagi ko na masasabi sa sarili ko " wag ka nang umasa" " hayaan mo na" " okey lang yan" and the final thing is, wala na kong maramdaman. I dont care anymore.